Not many people know this, but Panama has much more policemen for every 1000 residents than any other country in the hemisphere. More than the United States. More than Costa Rica, and even more than Colombia, a country ravaged by civil war. This bizarre phenomenon is what we inherited from 20 years of US-sponsored military dictatorship. Yet, despite thousands of police roaming Panama, crime rates keep going up. That is because they’re not really policemen and women, but gorillas; a monkey species that if dressed up is sometimes passed off as human.

It appears that the Martinelli government has given orders to have these gorillas out on the streets instead of in the cages where they should be securely locked up, because they are everywhere. Moving around the city and the Canal Zone by car or motorcycle is a guarantee for running into one of the many roadblocks and checkpoints these gorillas set up. Crime fighting in Panama really comes down to allowing these anthropoid apes to shake down innocent drivers for bribes. Go out in Casco Viejo one night and leave the area to turn onto Avenida Balboa and the Cinta Coimera and there they are with a checkpoint, telling foreigners that their drivers license isn’t valid in Panama (which is bullshit). But they’ll “help” you, of course. Twenty bucks please.

Is this what Martinelli had in mind when he promised he’d increase their pay?

It goes without saying that no police is to be seen in the dangerous area you need to drive through to leave Casco Viejo. No money to be made for these gorillas there.  They’d have to do real police work, imagine!

Same story when you drive from Tocumen Airport to the city in the evening. Here you are in your rental car, having been subjected to every imaginable security check all day, passport controls, luggage searches and what not, only to be harassed by a bunch of goons in army fatigue who want money. Welcome to Panama!

Because gorillas have very limited brain functions, their reasoning goes something like this: “checkpoints equal security, and thus more checkpoints means more security”. An example of this strategic thinking could be observed over the last days on the road to Portobelo, where today the procession of the Black Christ will be celebrated. Since the Black Christ is regarded as the Patron Saint of criminals, the official criminals of the National Police (warning: their website features a flash intro that looks like a beer advertisement) have come out in full force to protect the town against their unregulated counterparts.

Gorillas in Portobello Fort, but what are they expecting, Henry Morgan? Sir Francis Drake? Swimming pilgrims in purple bathing suits?

Your reporter took his girlfriend on a trip to Portobelo last Sunday. Little did I know that in order to get to the normally sleepy town on the Caribbean coast we’d have to pass no less than four road blocks. And again on the way back. These road blocks or checkpoints are a spectacle to behold, dear reader, turning an otherwise uneventful road trip into an unforgettable experience. Typically, five or six gorillas are doing work, as in checking papers. Then there are twenty more of them just loitering the area, pissing alongside the road, showing their machine guns, and harassing women.

The paper checking itself goes like  this: One ape or the other will ask for pasaportes. He’ll then open the pasaporte and gaze at the page that carries the picture. After about two minutes of mindless staring at that page, he’ll accuse you, “Usted es Holandés!”

This of course proves that the gorilla is a highly intelligent animal which, given proper training, can be made to understand simple written words.

Then he’ll proceed to find the latest entry stamp. My companion last arrived from Costa Rica by land, and this didn’t fit within the brain of the law enforcement ape – American passport means arriving by air.

“Where is the stamp?” he demanded.

“You’re looking at it”, she replied. But he was actually trying to look in her blouse.

We finally had to read the date of entry out loud to him. This of course proves that even if gorillas can be made to understand simple text; time/date formats or anything else with numbers (except for dollars) are clearly beyond the capabilities of these heavily armed animals.

The whole process was repeated eight times that day, because at all these checkpoints they do exactly the same since gorillas love repetitive work. Visiting the US embassy in a place like Kabul is much less hassle, I can assure you.

Portobelo itself was full of police too, all dressed up in camouflage jungle fighting clothes. More gorillas had manned the various Spanish fortresses to protect the town against dangers luring offshore.

Travel an hour past Portobelo and you’ll find French mercenaries with Uzis destroying property and threatening to kill people – and not a policeman to be seen. This of course proves that the gorilla may look tough, but is in reality a shy animal that will run at the first sign of trouble. Throw a mango at them and they’ll go in hiding.

Needless to say that we didn’t enjoy Portobelo much. Our new Minister of Tourism Salomon Shamah may call it a “colonial jewel” on his site, but my girlfriend never wants to go back there, ever. Wrong atmosphere, she called it, because of all the military nonsense. Also, she doesn’t need to travel in order to enjoy the attention of gorillas. Since she looks good, they like to stop and harass her even when walking in El Cangrejo.